


a hell within my head

by wastefulreverie



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Finds Out About Merlin’s Magic (Merlin), Fear, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Magic Revealed, Worst fears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22427311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastefulreverie/pseuds/wastefulreverie
Summary: It wasn’t enough to hide some enchanted medallion in some ancient caverns ridden with serkets, oh no, they had to face some bloody trial too. Apparently, in order to be deemed worthy to proceed they each had to enter a chamber that would animate their deepest fear.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 550





	a hell within my head

**Author's Note:**

> Yeet this is my first Merlin fic. I totally blame Lumanae for coaxing me into watching this show. Enjoyyy <3

Whoever designed this quest had a sadistic sense of humor. It wasn't enough to hide some enchanted medallion in some ancient caverns ridden with serkets, oh no, they had to face some bloody trial too. Apparently, in order to be deemed _worthy_ to proceed they each had to enter a chamber that would animate their deepest fear.

"One at a time," the woman said. She was the spirit of a sorceress who'd dedicated her life and essence to the caverns. "Once the first of you has entered the chamber and made to the other side, the door will open for another to face their trial."

"What awaits on the other side?" Arthur demanded. "And how do we know that this isn't a trap?"

"I suppose you won't know. Have trust, Arthur Pendragon, and all will fall into place."

"That doesn't answer—"

The woman had dissipated into vapor before he could finish his accusation. Defeated, Arthur turned to his trusted knights and manservant.

"What do you think?"

"I think that sorcerers need to stop being so damn cryptic," Gwaine said dryly. "But I'm up for it."

"As am I," Elyan agreed.

Leon didn't hesitate. "My deepest fear holds nothing to what I'd face for Camelot."

Percival nodded.

That left only Merlin.

"Say, Merlin, ready to face your fear of actually holding a sword upright?" Arthur pretended to fumble with his own blade. " _Oh, look at me! It's so heavy for my weak, string arms."_

The servant rolled his eyes. "I'm not afraid."

"Good. If we're to finish this quest, we best not leave any man behind. Even if that man is an _idiot_."

"So who's going first?" Elyan asked.

Gwaine, Leon, and Percival all stepped forward but Arthur beat them to it.

"I'll do it. I'm the leader of this quest, after all. If any of us are to play this sorceress's game, I will."

"Sire—"

"I'm not a coward, Leon."

"You heard her. It _could_ be a trap."

"If it were a trap, wouldn't she lie?" he pointed out.

"I suppose."

Arthur stood in front of the entrance to the chamber, an eroded wall with a stone door. As he approached, the door swung open of its own accord and the King entered. He could hear his men's voices hitch and he glanced back at them in assurance.

His deepest fear couldn't be so bad, could it?

Moments later, the door slammed shut and plunged him into darkness. He reached for his sword, holding it in front of him as he blindly spun in place. Before he could gain of sense of position, the world around him came into color. An ashy wind curled through the chamber and Arthur was suddenly aware that the ground was on _fire_.

He leaped back from the flames and almost tripped over something that hadn't been there moments before. He turned and realized in horror that it was a corpse of a girl no older than eight. She was curled into a ball, hugging her knees, face squeezed in pain. Three arrows were jutting out of her back and Arthur was overcome with rage.

She was an innocent _child_. And she'd been murdered in cold blood.

Arthur looked up from the girl and realized that there was much more to his surroundings than he'd initially realized. There were several bodies littered across the floor… across the courtyard. Camelot's _courtyard_.

These were _his_ people and they'd been slain.

Where were his knights? Had they been killed as well? Where were the invaders, or had they already captured the kingdom?

( _This isn't real, Arthur. Snap out of it.)_

Where was Guinevere? Was she safe?

_(Focus on escaping the chamber.)_

This must be Morgana's fault. Nobody else could wreak this much misery on his people.

"Quick to assign blame, aren't you?" a voice croaked.

_Morgana._

She was slumped on the stairs to the citadel. As he'd last seen her when she attacked Camelot, she wore an extravagant black dress only now it was in tatters. Her arms were bloodied and her entire body shook on the edge of death.

"This is _your_ fault, Arthur. No one else's. You failed your kingdom and I didn't even have to do a thing."

Morgana was a good liar, but he saw now that she spoke the truth.

"No _._ " He took a step back. " _No._ "

Her voice broke when she laughed. "Father would be so _proud_ of us both."

"I—I didn't do this."

"But didn't you? You've done everything that you've been taught would bring destruction to Camelot. You married a serving girl, leaving the kingdom weak to invaders. You made commoners knights! They turned on you, that's why your people have been _slain_. And you turned to magic to heal your father, killing him thus! Need I go on, dear brother?"

"N—no—"

He knew she spoke the truth and it _hurt_.

"You still sympathize with me. You hide it in front of your people, but you still wish to save me after everything I've done. In your heart, you know that I'm evil, yet you still make excuses for me. Do you blame yourself for what I've become?"

" _Stop!_ "

Morgana pulled herself to her feet and descended the steps. Arthur couldn't bring himself to move as she approached, captivated by the deathly apparition of his sister and sworn enemy.

"I wonder what your people have to say to you?"

A smile played on her lips and her eyes gleamed gold. Behind him, Arthur could hear bodies shuffle to their feet. _The corpses…_

" _...all the King's fault…_ "

"... _only protects the nobility..._ "

" _...sits on his throne while we_ burn _…_ "

He didn't dare turn his head. He didn't want to see—

What was he doing?

This was all an illusion, wasn't it? How had he forgotten so readily?

His people were alive and Morgana wouldn't sway his conscience, not anymore. His people were _alive_ and he would never abandon him.

"This isn't real," he declared, hoping that would be enough to end the trial.

"Isn't it?" Morgana asked.

"You're just part of the chamber. No more mind games."

If anything, she looked… satisfied?

_Very well,_ Morgana spoke without moving her lips. With that, the courtyard dissolved and Arthur was thrust back into the caverns. Now, the walls were lined with torches and there was a clear exit on the opposite side of the chamber. Inside of a door, the exit was an archway that led into another, smaller chamber.

He realized feverishly that he didn't see a route beyond that. It _had_ been a trap, a dead end.

"On the contrary," the sorceress whispered, "I did not deceive you."

She appeared before him once again and Arthur hardly had the restraint not to sink his sword into her then and there.

"Where is the path to the medallion?"

"The path will open once all your men have proven their worth. For now, you must wait. Stand and watch."

"Watch?"

The ghost's laughs sent chills down Arthur's spine. "Yes, watch. Now that you have faced your own fears, you may observe your men as they face their trials. They won't be able to see you, of course. Not until they finish."

"Oh."

He wasn't sure if he wanted to watch his knights face their fears. If they were anything like his, then surely that would be an invasion of privacy. Then again, the sorceress gave him little choice.

"Here's the next one now…"

Arthur turned his gaze into the first chamber. Elyan had entered the room, disoriented. He watched as an illusion formed around his knight, as it had around Arthur. He couldn't see all the details too well, but he could tell that Elyan was in a forest. After a moment of wandering, he fell to his knees in shock.

" _Gwen!_ "

Arthur's heart skipped a beat. He should've known that losing his sister was Elyan's fear. It was certainly painful to watch his knight cry out for his wife. Thankfully, it didn't last long. Elyan was able to snap out of his hysteria after a few minutes and joined Arthur, who explained what the ghost had told him about watching the others.

After Elyan, Leon entered the chamber. His fear was failing to protect Camelot and his King. Next, Gwaine, who feared losing himself to the corruption of nobility. Percival faced his fear with ease, already having lost his family once, but each man could see the hurt in his eyes at their accusations that _he hadn't saved them_.

Once Percival joined them, all that was left was Merlin.

Arthur hadn't known what to expect from his manservant. His knight's fears had been somewhat expected, save Gwaine. That said when the boy entered the cavern… Arthur couldn't stifle his shock at the scene that swelled around him.

Merlin didn't even bat an eye at the pyre.

* * *

There was little to ease his dread in the minutes between Percival left and when the chamber door opened. Merlin hadn't _intended_ to go last, but each knight made it their duty to volunteer before he could take the chance. He wasn't afraid of what the chamber would show him, after so many years of living through hell after hell there was little that scared him anymore. Unfortunately, he just had a strong suspicion of what he would see.

After all, he was a sorcerer in Camelot. He thought about his exposure more than he liked to admit. That said, he had fewer nightmares than he had during Uther's rule but the possibility of hurting Arthur was too much to bear.

Finally, the door to the chamber opened.

He might as well get it over with because the others would give him hell if he took too long. He could already hear one of Arthur's snide remarks that Merlin had more fear than all of the knights combined. He would agree, of course. _Yes, Arthur, I'm so very terrified of everything. Especially the horrors of your sock drawer…_

The knights would get a kick out of that.

He lingered in the entrance before stepping through the threshold, into darkness. It only took a few moments or so for an illusion to form around him, placing him in Camelot's courtyard. He stood opposite the pyre and he silently acknowledged imitations of townspeople out of the corners of his eyes. He could see the bloodlust in their eyes, the _betrayal._

Nothing he hadn't seen before. As Dragoon, he'd felt the weight of their glares. These people were hollow, nothing more than the sorceress's magic feeding off of his deepest insecurities.

Before he could register much more, two guards grabbed him on either side and forced him to his knees. He didn't protest. In order to face his fear, he had to let this play out, at least until they burned him.

"Merlin of Ealdor, Emrys, servant of Camelot."

Arthur stood overlooking the courtyard, as Merlin had watched Uther stand many years ago at the execution of Thomas Collins. His eyes were clouded with something indescribable, something broken. It took Merlin a moment to remember that this wasn't the real Arthur, that this was just an illusion.

"You have been found guilty of conspiring in sorcery and have forthwith betrayed Camelot. You've lied, cheated, and betrayed _me._ You've committed immeasurable crimes. You've unleashed the Great Dragon onto this kingdom, poisoned Morgana, _killed_ my father… and now you will burn at the pyre for your misdeeds."

He knew that protesting wouldn't help him, but he… he couldn't help the response that flew off his tongue faster than it took the guards to knock some sense into him.

"I do what I do for you. I've made mistakes, but every action… is to keep you safe. You're my _friend_."

"No friend of mine would practice magic. You're not even _human_ , Merlin," he sneered.

"You're wrong."

"And you're fundamentally wrong in every way you exist. Born with magic—you've never been normal! You're fucked up, a freak. And you made me _trust_ you."

"I didn't choose to be born like this!"

"Why haven't you died already! Why even come to Camelot? Because of some prophecy? Because of some hope that—that I'll bring magic back? Because a _dragon_ told you so? Because your mother wanted you _gone_!"

Merlin's blood ran cold.

"She… just wanted to protect…"

"She was sick of trying to hide you! Sick of you knocking down trees with a wave of your hand, sick of scaring the other villagers! She sent you away so she wouldn't be burned with you!"

"She said Gaius would _help_ me control it—"

"And did he?"

"What?"

"Did he help you control it?"

"I—yes. He _did_. He helped me…"

"Then he shall be burned too," Arthur decided. With a wave of his hand, the crowd parted and guards wrapped their arms around Gaius, pinning him to the ground.

" _No_!" Merlin shouted. "Not Gaius, it's not his fault!"

"You've admitted that he's aided you in your crimes."

"No, no, I—I'm a liar! Take me, not Gaius. Gaius is innocent. _Please_ , Arthur. Burn _me_."

Arthur's gaze was steely and cold. The guards pulled both Gaius and Merlin to their feet and dragged them to the pyre. This couldn't be happening. Not Gaius, anyone but Gaius. He didn't deserve it, not because of Merlin. Not because he'd taken him in and acted as Merlin's father, not because he helped with the bloody magic.

Merlin was the only person who deserved this. He deserved this more than anyone.

"I'm the one who lied, please! _Please_ …"

"Then why shouldn't I hurt you in every place it hurts?" Arthur asked. "Why shouldn't I make you go through everything you put me through! Every single deception, every betrayal!"

"Because you're a good man! You're not your father!"

"My _father_ was right, Merlin. Magic is the greatest evil in the world and anything associated with it must be purged. You've taught me that much."

The guards were strapping them both to the pyre now, ensuring that they wouldn't escape the flames.

"Not Gaius… please, Arthur… your heart isn't _this_."

The drums were sounding now but they sounded like a distant memory. Merlin's eyes were still trained on Arthur. " _Please_."

Arthur waved his hand and a guard came forward with a torch.

They were really going to burn him. He couldn't let them burn him. Merlin trained his gaze on the torch and extinguished it with a nudge at his magic. The crowd erupted.

" _Sorcery_!"

They acted as if they weren't executing him for that very thing in the first place.

"I'm sorry Gaius," he muttered. He hadn't meant for this to go south. Gaius was never supposed to be here… not on this day… wait.

This wasn't real.

How had he forgotten?

_Shit_.

"I'm done," he told the room. "I faced my fear. Make this stop."

For a moment, nothing happened. Merlin almost considered casting a spell to break the illusion, but then the scene halted and thrust him back into reality.

"What… the hell was that?"

Standing at the edge of the chamber was Arthur and the knights. Had they seen…? No, no certainly not. The sorceress hadn't mentioned that earlier, had she? He'd had the impression that all their fears would be private.

"What do you mean?" he played dumb.

"That—that—" Arthur sputtered. "All of it!"

"Do you have magic, Merlin?" Leon asked softly.

He couldn't lie. If they'd watched that entire scene, then there was no denying it. Even if he did convince them that he was super insecure about turning to sorcery, they'd figure it out one way or another in the future.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

He couldn't meet their eyes. He knew what he'd find, after all.

"Merlin…" Arthur sighed. "You really are an idiot."

"I know, sire."

"No." He placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder and he tensed reflexively. "Merlin, look at me."

Slowly, Merlin brought himself to meet the king's eyes.

And they weren't angry at all. Confused, maybe. But Arthur's gaze held no malice, no betrayal.

"Do you really think I'd do that to you? Say those things?"

Merlin shrugged. "Some of it, maybe. I'm more scared that you'll say those things than I actually believe you'll say it."

"That's— _shit_ , Merlin. No. I wouldn't…"

"I think he means to say that you're worried for nothing," Gwaine finished.

"Sorcery's illegal and I'm a warlock. I have plenty to worry about."

"Have you really used magic to save me?" Arthur asked.

"Uh, occasionally. Yeah."

"And you've never acted against Camelot?"

"Not purposefully? There's times where I've… done things and they haven't gone to plan."

"See then, nothing to worry about."

Merlin gaped. "That's it? You just… believe me?"

"After watching that spectacle, it's hard not to believe you."

He almost wanted to cry. He couldn't believe that after everything they were just… accepting this. Accepting the fact that he used magic like it wasn't outlawed on penalty of death.

"Don't be such a girl, Merlin," Arthur said. "You're our friend, you said so yourself."

This was so much more than he could have ever wished for.


End file.
